2012

I posted about a year ago that I was going to think about my 2011 New Year's resolutions and blog about it and I never did - so obviously blogging about my resolutions was not one of my resolutions!!

I am a girl who likes to have goals. Not sure what happened with doing that in 2011.

This year went by so fast. Over all it was a good year. I feel very content and blessed! One thing that I read the other day, that I plan to ponder as 2012 approaches - "Every moment spent being angry, anxious or resentful robs you of one moment you could have spent being happy and at peace!"

It is my choice.

I want to look back on 2012 and remember all the times I made the right choice. Not disappointed by what could have been.

I plan to reflect on 2011 and think about 2012 in the next few days and do better than I did last year when it comes to some resolutions. I know God has some awesome things in store for us this year. Ready or not - here we come!

I made it...

I just took a shot and made it. Swoosh! Well, not really a swoosh. For some reason when I throw the empty TP roll into the trash can - I ALWAYS MISS! But, today it went in. I think that is my 6th basket in the past 12 years. I have not kept track of the 100s that have bounced off the rim... hit the wall... air-balled all together... but now that I am at 6 - you can basically round it up to 10 and if each basket is worth 2 points - I am almost at 20.

my story...

I am writing this because I feel like I have to. I feel like it has been inside for too long and it needs to come out. It's not that I have been hiding it - it has just taken a while to make sense to me - sense enough to put into words and write about it.
February 12th, 2005 was a dark day for me and I feel like my life has not been the same.
My husband and I spent years trying to have a baby. I was into it 100% and he was tolerating my desire. I did not feel like we both had the same goals. Even though he was along for the ride - he was in the back seat. My heart ached for a baby with every breath I took.
Every month was a roller coaster. We did all of the testing... I swallowed the pills... did the injections... different pills... more injections... more tests... 8 times we did IUIs... meet with the IVF specialist a few times... years past and I still had empty arms and a barren womb and wavering hope.
Why Me? Why? I was very angry with myself. I was mad that I was "broken". The doctors said that there was no explanation. Nothing that could be fixed. Nothing that could be explained.
But, then I got pregnant.
Oh how I remember the day that I knew I had a little life growing inside of me. You could probably see my smile from a mile away. Hearing the heartbeat... seeing my baby during the ultrasound... telling my family and sharing in their joy...
Seven weeks.
Eight weeks.
Nine weeks.
Ten weeks.
Eleven weeks.
Twelve weeks. Telling more people and starting to plan the nursery and thinking about names. All of those things that I had been dreaming about for so long were finally coming true.
Thirteen weeks.
Fourteen weeks.
I had been put on bed rest for a few days but another ultrasound showed that everything looked good and the baby was growing and the heartbeat was strong. And then for some reason at fourteen weeks 3 days - it was over.
I spent the night in the hospital because I was dehydrated and I had lost a lot of blood.
I was sad but I was strong.
I cried but I didn't grieve.
I tried so hard to be ok that I didn't allow myself time to heal.

I missed 3 days of work.
3 Days...

I thought that I needed to get back to my routine and forget all that just happened. I thought that jumping right back in would keep me so busy that I would get over it faster. I didn't give myself time to mourn the loss of my child - the loss of my joy - my dreams - my hope... That is what I thought was best for me. Looking back on it now - I wish I would have taken more time. I was never going to forget so why did I deny myself the time to work thru the pain and emotion I had inside?
Ironically, it probably would have been difficult for me to do it differently. That is the way I am. I like to work hard and I feel appreciated and fulfilled at my job. It was a pick-me-up just being there and I was focusing on something instead of what I had just gone thru.
But, I tried so hard to convince everyone and myself that I was ok. It worked for a while. But, Deep down, I knew it was a charade. A part of my heart had died that day and I felt like I needed to honor my child. The child who I had prayed earnestly for. The one that I failed to protect. The one I would never hold. I put together a little collage and framed it and then tucked it into a special place. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it close and whisper a few sweet words or hum a lullaby thinking about what could have been.

I know everything is ok. Things happen for a reason and the void doesn't ever have to go away. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Life has gone on. Hope has been renewed. God is in control.
I am not writing this because I want to be in a pity party or to make anyone sad. I am just sharing my thoughts and feelings. Time has passed. Life has changed. I have a beautiful 2 year old who I love and am so blessed to call my own. But, there is still a small part of me who longs for that tiny life that ended before it started. I wish I could hug my child who's heart stopped beating before the first breath was taken. I long to look into a face that shares my eyes and my husband's smile. But, I continue to remind myself about God's faithfulness. I am content in knowing that God loves me more than anything and He is not withholding His best from me!

Stickers

Stickers - Stickers - Stickers....
My little princess loves stickers. She loves sticking them to the furniture. She loves sticking them to the floor. She loves sticking them to the walls. She loves sticking them to ME.
At random times I find stickers stuck to me in random places. For example, a few weeks ago my co-worker pulled a sticker out of my hair while I was at a work convention in Appleton and last week another coworker pulled a sticker off the back of my pants at the office and a few days ago the bagger at the grocery store noticed I had a sticker stuck to my face while we were in the checkout line and last night when I was laying in bed I felt something on my neck about an inch under my left earlobe and I found a sparkly Cinderella sticker. How does she get all of these stickers on me without me knowing it? She is good. I need to pay more attention. I need to soak in every moment and savor the joy of being the mother of a very wonderful 2 year old.

BLAH....

At the beginning of each episode of Elmo's World - he starts with this question - Guess what Elmo is thinking about today? (He always talks in the 3rd person. Cute - but a little strange...)

So, what I am I thinking about today?!?
I am kind of in a BLAH mood. I am not sure if a blog is the place to talk about it. Will it help me to feel better venting to the air - venting to the cloud - venting to my little 15'' laptop screen?? I know my time would be better spent sleeping since I have had a few restless nights in a row which adds to the blah-ness and adds to my body dragging a little more than normal. A few things are just weighing on me these days and I just don't know how to fix it or what I can do to help or how I can make it all work out!!
You know that feeling? Just kind of an uneasy - sick feeling.
Rest. I need rest.
Enough of this blah...blah...blah!

A Reason To CELEBRATE!!

We have been celebrating Annie Joy Blessing non-stop for the last 4 days and I have been enjoying every minute!! The first few days of her 2 year old life have been so much fun. I am overwhelmed by the joy that she brings to my life and I am so blessed to be her mother. I can't wait to see what this year holds. I love you, Annie.

Annie's interview - age 2

I am going to interview her every year - or maybe 6 months - and keep the answers in a book to look back on. She did so great answering the questions. I am so proud of her.

Mommy & Me
What is your name: Annie
How old are you: 3 (actually almost 2)
What is your favirite color: pink
Who is your Best Friend: Daddy (then she looked at me and smiled and said "& mommy")
What is your favorite animal: zebra and elephant
What do you want to be when you grow up: no answer - just the cutest little giggle.
What is your favorite movie: Elmo
What is your favorite book: Pooh - Trouble with Honey and Itsy Bitsy spider
What makes you happy: Pooh and Piglet
What makes you sad: nap
What is your favorite food: eggies sausage and ice cream
What is your favorite song to sing: VeggieTales
What game do you like to play: slide and somersault
That is my Annie Joy Blessing Peterson. I love her more than words can say!!
Happy birthday, little one.

6

I am planning a birthday party for an adorable wonderful precious 2 year old....
But-
Today, I was thinking about what life would be like if I was celebrating an adorable wonderful precious 6 year old.

6

I know God has His reasons.
But, I still miss you and wish I could hold you and tell you that I love you.

Rest

Sometimes I am surprised by all of my accomplishments. I look back at places I have traveled and things I have experienced - things that I have seen and been a part of. My life as a daughter and sister and wife and mother and aunt and worker and friend and Child of God and I take a deep breath and think about how blessed I am.

That is what I have been doing lately when the thoughts of insecurity and anxiousness and worry try to crowd my mind and steal my joy.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; trust in Him at all times, O people. Psalm 62:5-8

Thank you, Jesus.

Over-load!!

I feel like I have been on brain over-load since May 17th. That was the day I got a phone call while at work, from Julie. She is the one assigned to our office as the trainer for our new computer system. She explained to me what the new system can do and what the time line looked like to get us ready to "go live" with the new program on July 8th. That brief phone call turned into hours of conversations and answered questions and explanations and more answered questions and more explanations..... Now, looking back on the last 2 months, everything is a blur. I am so thankful to be on this side of it. We still have a lot to learn and it is not smooth sailing yet. We are slowly catching on. There has been a lot of late nights getting everything set up and a lot of extra hours at the office for training but I think it is going to be great. So, hopefully I will be back to blogging on a more regular basis.

I do have a lot of other things going on in my life that are more exciting than computer stuff.

I am a mom!!

It is official! And I have a dandelion bouquet to prove it!
Happy Mother's Day to me!
And to you too, mom. I love you!

17

17 was a favorite number of mine growing up.
Not sure how that started.
17 always seemed like a good age - still a kid - not yet an adult. The letter "Q" is the 17th letter in the alphabet and I always felt it was underused. 17 is a good number of m&ms to munch on and every girl should have at least 17 pairs of shoes in the closet. Mark Grace played for the Cubs and was #17.
Oh, 17......

As of today I have been married for 17 years.

Wait a minute? What? How can that be?

How can a girl my age be married that long? (Sometimes, I forget that I am getting older - then I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I remember).
So, 17 years - wow. I think an average phone call to a friend lasts for 17 minutes. I think it takes a chick 17 days to hatch from it's shell. I think the average Hollywood marriage lasts for 17 months. But, 17 years..... That is 6209 days (with some leap days added in). That is 6209 nights of listening to someone snoring! oh, my!
We have had some struggles but also lots of fun. So today we will celebrate and begin another year together.
Happy Anniversary.

This is a big deal.

Monday morning my mom told me the news that Osama Bin Ladin was dead. Maybe she was surprised by my response..... I didn't really have one. But, I have been thinking about it since then and here are my thoughts.

As far as I know, he was responsible for training the terrorists who caused so many deaths on 9/11 and so many tears in the days to follow. So many innocent people lost their lives that day. So many mothers lost a child. So many children lost a parent. So many people lost a friend. A country lost it's sense of security and peace. To know that he was captured and killed brings closure to a lot of people.

But you know what?
I too, like Osama, would stand condemned. If all the wrongs I've ever done, thought or said were put up for the world to see, I'm pretty sure people would react with disgust and horror. Osama's guilty because the world can see what he's done wrong. And if the world could see me for who I really am... they'd condemn me as guilty too.

But, then I think of Jesus - a man that didn't deserve to die, because He didn't do anything wrong. He died, taking the punishment I deserved. And He rose again, so that death, for those who believe in Him, won't be final. It is how we know we are loved, and how we know He is love.

And one day He is coming back to put all the wrong things right. All those cruelties at 9/11? He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more pain. God will bring unending comfort, tenderness, peace and healing.

I am so thankful and so blessed.

ok - a new entry

I am thinking that I should blog more.
Looking back I see that most of my entries are full of deep thoughts. I am not really a "deep thoughts" kind of girl. That is why I don't blog very often I guess...... hmmm......

Anyway-
So, I plan to blog more often and share medium thoughts. Sound good? I want it to be whimsy and fun and full of things that are not always deep thoughts.
My life is blessed! I have a wonderful little girl who makes me laugh and a good job - with fun co-workers and great boss and a cute husband who is turning 40 and who thinks I make dry chicken. I have the best family and friends and so much to be thankful for - so I am going to share about those moments in my life!

Bring on the sunshine!

Sweet thoughts

Last night in my dream, I was in the back yard at my parent's old house. We were sitting at the picnic table on a sunny summer day. Fishing poles were laid out before us and I was telling Annie that we were going to go down to the pier where I used to fish as a little girl.

It was Annie and me and my grandpa Frank.

He was checking the poles to make sure they were ready as I was reminiscing about fishing trips of years gone by. I was sweetly remembering how Grandpa would sit so patiently with my sister and I and how he would remind us that whoever caught the first fish would get a candy bar from Doc's (but he would always buy us both a candy bar). I watched grandpa put worms on the hooks of each pole and Annie was staring at them as they wiggled. I was describing to her how the fish come to eat the worms and made sure she knew that she should never try to eat one.

It was such a sweet dream.
It was warm.
It was fishing.
It was being with Annie and Grandpa Frank.

We miss you grandpa!

nothing to do with nothing

Not that this has anything to do with anything.

It actually has nothing to do with nothing.... I just thought I should tell you.

I was watching Elmo's world with Annie yesterday and Elmo did something funny and I was in the middle of a big gulp of not-so-hot-anymore coffee and I started laughing and the coffee came out my nose.

The end.

Ok - It is January......
HAPPY 2011!!
A new year.
So many things are changing.
A new car.
A new job.
A new house.
A new baby.
Just kidding.
Everything is the same as last year.
But, I have a feeling that it is going to be a great year and just because I can't see what is coming my way in 2011 - I know there will be changes and challenges and celebrations to come.
As of today, right this moment, I am thinking about what I need to do to be ready for it. I have been thinking about this for a while and I am not sure I am ready to post what my goals are for 2011. I like having goals. I like setting them high - challenging myself - but they still have to be obtainable.
I want to push myself this year.
I have been thinking about my weaknesses in the past few days and I want to work on strengthening them. I need to ponder this a little more and put my thoughts together before I am ready to have my list of resolutions. So for right now.... I still don't know exactly what 2011 will look like for me.
I do know this... - I don't want it to be a year lead by what my goals are. It is really not up to me. I still find myself getting caught up in doing what I want to do and not resting and waiting to see what God wants me to do.
So, I guess you can say that this blog is
to be continued.....